GTF out of this house!

Being retired indicates that I'm older now and have polished my skills, honed them to a razor's edge. Also, being retired indicates that I have all day to apply said skills toward my own ends. Here is my formula for guaranteed success.

Start early, wake up before daylight every day. Make coffee really strong so the aroma fills the house.

As soon as the sun comes up, get outside and begin making noise. Hammers on the front porch work really well as the vibrations are transmitted throughout the house. drive a lot of nails reinforcing the steps and banisters.

Power tools are really great for this also. A Skill Saw at 07:10 is an excellent choice as drills don't make enough noise. Make sure to set the saw horses really close to the house, a short extension cord is a great excuse for this. Mulching the leaves on your riding mower is another fine choice, start near the bedroom window.

As soon as the wife wakes up, put the TV on "This Old House" or some other home improvement show. Surf the channels until you find a really boring topic like "The care and sharpening of chisels" or something like that, turn the volume way up.

Start early in the day nagging your wife for sex, continue this throughout the day slapping her bottom and grabbing her breasts every time she walks by.

Spread out a newspaper on the kitchen table and begin cleaning your reels, do all of them and take your time. Use the strongest smelling solvent that you can find and chain smoke while you do it.

Play Willie Nelson really loud on the front porch, play the same three songs over and over.

Find a muddy spot in the yard, then walk through it and track it in the house. If you can't find a muddy spot, make one with a water hose.

Make your second pot of coffee, but forget to put the pot under it, it will run all over the cabinet and make a fine mess.

Walk around the garbage "forgetting" to take it out.

Finally, she will break like my wife did this week. She said "You are driving me crazy! I want you out of this house! Go hunting or fishing or something!"

I gave her my best innocent look and said, "OK Love, I'll take the travel trailer and go hog hunting for three days."

"Make it four!" she screamed.

So yesterday I went to Walmart and bought the ingredients for my famous "Buzzard's Breath Chili." Lots of stew meat, ground chuck, jalapenos, habaneros, scallions, chili powder, cayenne powder and plenty of tomato sauce. Angelina National Forest here I come.

LOL Where's the "like" button???

I don't really do anything to annoy her, I am guilty of tracking in a little mud at times, the horses rut the yard up in places. But after being used to my working, I'm sure that me being around 24/7 is getting on her nerves. In addition to that, she is having hell with her phone. We use Net 10, unlimited talking and no contract. I don't understand it, I bought mine, activated it and there is no problem.

she bought hers and it wouldn't work, it would text only so after spending a lot of time trying to understand the person at Net 10, they sent her a new phone which took over a week. I heard her screaming so I went in there to see what the problem was, she was on the phone again and she couldn't understand the person she was speaking to. She finally gave up. i took the phone and called Net 10. I too was put on hold about 5 times for 2 minutes at a time trying to get her minutes transferred to the new phone.

I finally got this done and now she still can't make calls. She is very frustrated to put it mildly. We are somewhat isolated out here and she is a big phone person. I'll straighten it out before I leave, she can't be here without a phone.